I called Erik (the captain, friend and mentor I’ve crossed the ocean with) a few days ago telling him my situation. I was supposed to meet someone very important to me down in Guatemala, at Lago Atitlan, but she has dropped the ball in our connection kinda last minute. I was heartbroken for days.
We had a blasting connection back, up in Providence, Rhode Island about a month ago, for a couple weeks. I haven’t felt for someone like I did for her for a very long time. We parted ways after 2 weeks and agreed we would meet down in Guatemala. We’ve been distancing for weeks, I was in St Maarten, she was in the UK and right a few days before our meetup she distanced herself building up some emotional walls that I’ve decided to not accept and pulled out myself from investing in the connection, to stop my heart’s bleeding. Now she’s in Guatemala, I’m in San Cristobal de las Casas, and a few hundred kilometres are between us.
Then yesterday I had another call with her, realizing that what we’ve had was truly special and at least it worths an ending it deserves. I just couldn’t let her go back to the US without seeing her.
Time to write after a heartbreak
At the time I called Erik, I was deeply devastated, couldn’t even walk out from my hostel room, back in Tuxtla Gutierrez.
Erik told me, start my day with meditation and at the end, note down one single thing that comes in my mind. So I did. And this was the result below:
3rd August – I am heartbroken
4th August – I am still heartbroken
5th August – New beginnings? Confusion?
6th August – I am grateful for everything
7th August – I want to write
8th August – I am healing
So it’s time to write about my thoughts and feelings in a depth I haven’t done so far during this trip before.
Learnings about love
It’s always coming with a gradual, strong realization and painful acceptance that loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to live the rest of my life together with the other person.
This realization came to me last year, when I’ve let my long-term partner go, who I have still loved as another sentient being, but I saw it clearly that we are parting ways into different directions. I didn’t love her less, when we broke up, and I don’t love her less now either.
This time I need to come through the same realizations, which always comes with strong reflections, grieving and slow and painful acceptance.
It’s not easy to love the right away. It comes with pain, it comes with reflection, it comes with grief, because love is not pointing at the other person blaming or guilt-tripping, it doesn’t try to analyze the past situations why and what happened wrongly in the relationship or who did wrong what. Love is accepting and love is seeing the other person holistically. Love doesn’t accept jealousy, anger or hatred. It doesn’t look at skin colors, social classes or finances.
A wise, young girl, Gigi, I’ve met at the hostel in San Cristobal phrased it well: love is the highest possible language and vibration in the universe.
Love overwrites all the lower vibrations like fear and negativity. Love is the highest class of human emotions that one can develop. Love is high vibration, and it means you are walking with an open heart. That can get hurt. Easily. Sometimes it’s much harder to love than to feel hatred, fear and other lower class vibrations.
Pepe phrased it right a few days ago, when I asked his advice during my heartbreak: love is abundant, love doesn’t belong to someone, love belongs to us. Love doesn’t have a label with a name, love is coming from inside out of US, so it belongs to YOU. And you can target it to anyone and everyone at the same time.
I’ll repeat, love doesn’t necessarily have to be laser-focusing on someone, love can be universally focusing on EVERYONE.
Learnings from Denis back in St Maarten
One day in St Maarten I have realized, I have spent on the island almost 3 months, but I have never hiked up to Fort St. Louis, an 18th century French military fort looking at the ocean front in Marigot, on the French side of the island (St Maarten is also known as St Martin, because the island is split between Dutch and French sides. Apart from Haiti and the Dominican Republic, I don’t know much islands where 2 countries would be placed).
I decided to wake up early in the morning, and after a 25 minutes walk from Sandy Ground, I’ve got to the foot of the hill. I hiked it in about 5-10 minutes, and climbed up to its peak, looking down at the ocean.
While I was looking at the boat situation on the island – as I was still thinking to move from St Maarten to another island to reach mainland via boat, my eyes got stuck on a black man who’s been doing yoga inside the fort’s area at the top of the hill. He looked like some sort of shaman by his appearance, in his 60s, and has been in deep concentration.
I was so intrigued by his presence and his deep focus while meditating, that I took some videos and pictures of him.
Later that day while heading back to my hostel, I’ve realized, I also want to meditate on the hill, as it had some magical, spiritual energies, just looking down at the ocean, so the next day I also woke up in the morning and now I climbed the hill with the intention, that I will meditate on the top.
While I climbed up the hill over the stairway, the black man was standing at a tree half way down, with closed eyes, touching the tree.
He showcased the same deep concentration I saw yesterday.
I was like ‘okay, so he is already done with his meditations, I will take his spot this time.’ So I did. I took the spot where he meditated yesterday on the top of the hill and did 20 minutes. When I opened my eyes, I saw him coming back and doing yoga next to me. This time I thought of him more as a peer, someone who I might be able to connect with and talk about meditation and spirituality.
I said ‘hi’ to him, and he returned my greetings. We started to talk. His name was Denis, born and raised in St Martin. He has spent in jail about 8 years over accusation of drug trafficking in France. He told he was setup and he had nothing to do with the charges he was accused of.
He brought this up and was very transparent about it. I didn’t bother much, because his character was more intriguing and the fact he did yoga and meditation suggested, he was a man of self-power, groundedness and solitude. I wanted to learn from him. I asked him to teach me. He was hesitant and shy, but as I started to ask him about spirituality all of a sudden he started to talk passionately about stones, crystals, the sky, the rocks, the universe, sentient beings and how everything is connected and how even the rocks next to us in the fort had their own souls and lives. He opened up. It was a bite.
For the next 5 days, before I left St Maarten, I showed up every morning by his side at Fort St. Louis at sunrise and he’s been teaching me yoga, meditation, the 7 chakras and mantras to use for more effective meditation. How yoga is also connected to spirituality and how the mind’s work is as important as the muscles, the joints and the body.
He taught me some mantras that I have expanded, to use during meditations and taught me to pray like this:
I am everything and everything is I. I am that I am. I am the most powerful being of the universe. The universe cannot exist without my energy and my energy cannot exist without the universe. I carry love for all sentient beings. Everything is as it has to be overseen by our ancestors. I was never born and I will never die.
I have expanded that with:
I am divine love, I am faith and I am purpose. I project love and I attract love. I project faith and I attract faith. I project purpose and I attract purpose. I am resonating on high vibrations and I attract high vibrations. I am resonating on high energies and I’m attracting high energies. I project high resonance and I attract high resonance.
He taught me to never say Good Morning to anyone, because it sounds like you are ‘mourning’. It carries negative energy. I’m still learning that actually. Say ‘Greetings!’ Instead. He also told never use ‘understand’ but rather say I ‘innerstand’ and ‘overstand’ what you are saying. That words have power and they transform your reality.
While he spent 8 years in jail, he was the purest soul I have met back on the island. He was labeled by others for being in jail, I have only seen a deeply spiritual being, who has a connection with his direct and expanded reality, like no one else does.
Now I’m carrying forward his teachings realizing how powerful they are. As I’m muscling through the heartbreak and using amongst others his techniques, I’m realizing that other than love, it doesn’t worth it to invest into lower vibrating emotions. While my love was not accepted by the other person, I still love her for who she is and I want to spend time with her, be present with her and just cherish our connection and what she gave to me on this journey.
Prelude of my trip
Before I started my trip, I came out of a long-term, almost 7 year relationship, and that time I was the one quitting. I was disconnected from myself, if the bus would have hit me on the road, I wouldn’t have felt it. I was burnt out, dried out, lost the connection with myself and reality. So I had to quit before something worse had happened.
I sold all our belongings back in Germany, resigned from work at the same time and in 3 months, I turned from a prestigious finance manager to a ‘nobody’. A very happy and free ‘nobody’. A ‘nobody’ with a lot of extra cash in his pocket after working 4 years for a big-tech company. I sat on the train, went back home to Hungary, sat down at my mom’s sofa, and I was puzzling what to do next.
Should I start another relationship, buy a flat or a car like everyone else does? Look for another prestigious ‘somebody’ job after 3 months of break, bend my knees and continue the treadmill hustle?
Or is there something else I could do that is more meaningful to me at this stage of my life? Is it time to take a leap of faith and do something that is ‘for me’, without necessarily asking for external validations? Is it allowed to go against the current?
Travel project is forming
The first time the Patagonia project came into my mind was somewhere June 2024. My life coach at the time asked, if I had to put my hand on my heart, what would I be doing? And I said, I would go down from Hungary without fly to Patagonia. I didn’t really think over what I was saying, it just came out.
Earlier in April, 2024 I have visited Gran Canaria with my ex, and to distract myself from our relationship troubles at the time, I started to learn about the historical Columbus route from Spain through the Canaries to America, and it has deeply intrigued me. While we were dwelling during our holidays into our problems, she asked me ‘what do you want to do, if not staying with me?’ I said, ‘I want to travel to Latin America, do some vlogging and free stuff.’ She was obviously not happy with my answer, as she wanted to get married and have kids together.
Continuous reflections and learnings
I felt sterile in my life and couldn’t push us through the starting line of getting married or founding a family. It was just not me. Couldn’t have done it at any cost. I craved for freedom, colors and adventure. And I realized during our break-up, that I still had to deal with a lot of my inner-child stuff.
My bringing up, parents awful divorce, family and childhood traumas imprinted in me in certain behaviors. As a result, I’ve been identifying myself with this working robot, who has showed up strong every time at work. But not just at work, in the relationship, at family events, generally, in life situations, being this always reliable, predictable machine, who has one setting, one gear. Almost like a puppet, pulled by the strings of society, by the inner and outer circles. If I could show up strong, I felt good, if I didn’t, I didn’t feel good.
The internet jargon calls it being ‘blue pilled’, which is coming from the Matrix, where Morpheus offers the blue or red pill to Neo, to make a choice, whether he wants to see the actual reality and take the red pill, or he wants to differ to the delusional, created one by society and take the blue pill. Being blue pilled, suggests a person, who is driven by material things, status, power, everyday pleasures. One, who is constantly chasing the external validation of the public, through meeting societal needs, standards and expectations. Being ‘red pilled’ is the opposite, as Morpheus describes, it offers you the choice to see the actual, harsh truth, that later Neo chooses to step out from the Matrix and save humans from machine destruction and dominance.
Then, after the break-up happened, a long reflection-flow has started. Started to care for my inner-child, next to the coaching I went to (and I will list these things out because each were a step in the transformation):
- Life Coaching
- Hypnotherapy
- Started to learn about trans-generational traumas,
- Dug into neuroscience of how the brain works and how the subconscious mind controls conscious behavior and how can you transform your subconscious through positive affirmations, meditation, prayer and therapy
- Went back to the Greek philosophers, especially to the stoics and became a stoic
- started to learn about spirituality
- Started to talk to God to ask for help
After I broke up with my ex last year, I was so down, dwelled into my misery, that my mom brought me to Szentkut, which is a sacred pilgrimage site, about 30 minutes by car from my hometown. She told to ask God for help. I spent 2 hours walking around the stations of Christ’s cross.
And I started to talk to God. I was begging, I was demanding. I didn’t pray the religious, church kinda way, I prayed my own way. I prayed in a mean, begging, selfish kinda way. To solve my situation while doing the right thing.
I was praying as follows:
God help me to solve this situation with my heads up high, with my spine, my back and my chest straight. Help to do this with a clear conscience, eyes, heart, soul and mind.
This was my mantra. And the conversations after leaving the pilgrimage site behind, have continued. It was like a sudden relief. From then on, I knew what to do. I went back to Germany, and each night, I went out, to do my long conversations with God on the dark night streets of Munich. I spent hours on the streets. I didn’t pray for a Christian God, or a Buddhist God, or any other religions’ gods, I prayed to the cosmic, universal intelligence that created me, you, nature, the planet and the universe. That’s what I call God.
And the conversations have never stopped ever since. I carried on ever since, whenever I find myself in a hard situation, I continue the meditations, the prayers, the conversations. And it keeps me going.
It’s like a fuel that never runs out. It carried me through the Atlantic Ocean without knowing how to sail a boat, through several countries, without having an idea about their culture, criminal background, and situations I would find myself in, and well, the journey still continues.
While the faith fuel never runs out, my energies do run out at times, and I need to stop and rest. This is a moment like that. When I can stop and reflect.
El camino del corazón
Ever since I’ve been starting this trip, I’ve been thinking, what this journey really is about. And I’ve been struggling dearly to understand.
One of my biggest inspiration was definitely Omar, from work, who became an Instagram superstar through creating a no-fly project traveling all the way through Asia, from Egypt to Japan. He was super consistent making it in like 240 days, traveling through countries like Iran and Afganistan.
So after I sold all our stuff, I’ve packed in the rest into boxes, went back to Hungary and in a few months, I started to crystalize my own no-fly project from Hungary to Patagonia.
I did plenty of research how I could cross the ocean without any knowledge, and how I could pass down further to Patagonia on mainland. Eventually, I did cross the ocean via sailing in the first 100 days of my trip.
But then in St Maarten, I’ve got puzzled. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay with my friends there to work. So I worked on boats, assisting in repairing stuff, cleaning yachts, and so on. I was actually puzzled and playing with the idea of buying my own boat. But then, out of nowhere, I’ve got a job from Tiago to deliver superyacht Ikigai to the US.
So I broke my no-fly promise and flew down to Trinidad, then after I’ve got the US VISA, back to Bermuda, and then delivering the boat to the US. Spent about a month in the US, where I’ve met the girl who has first melted my iced heart and then in a few weeks fast forward, she broke it into pieces. We have earlier decided to meet down in Guatemala. So I was flown back down to St Maarten as promised by Tiago, did there my STCW boat course, and then came to Mexico to continue my journey, heading down towards Guatemala to meet her and then, eventually to progress further down towards Argentina.
But the bigger question is, if this is not a no-fly project anymore, then what is it really? I wrote a blogpost some time ago about ‘following the flow’, and that’s what has actually really happened. I always stepped in the flow, in other words, I followed my heart wherever it guided me. This is a journey of the heart, el camino del corazon. I didn’t do anything else, but followed my heart’s guidance and now it has, for some awkward, wonderful reason brought me to San Cristobal de las Casas.
Every single town, city, location, destination has it’s own unique purpose in my journey. This town initially was just a stepping stone for me to reach Guatemala, but San Cristobal is now instead curing my broken heart.
Embrace what it is, not what it should be
What I’ve had to learn through my past year and current struggles, is that one can only live a happy, abundant life wholeheartedly, if one embraces the presence as it is and not as it should be.
This means, that you are not dwelling into an anticipated, craved, delusional fantasy that you call your reality, but you are living in the present moment and realizing, recognizing, acknowledging what is actually surrounding you in the current moment.
A few weeks ago, I thought, I would be now down in Guatemala spending the best time of my life with the girl who I loved dearly. Instead, I’m sitting in San Cristobal writing this blogpost about a painful heartbreak. A few days ago, I couldn’t get out of bed, of the hostel room and I was crying, because I forgot how painful a heartbreak actually can be.
However, how Denis, Erik, Pepe, Gigi and others have trained me on this journey is, instead of being resentful, remorseful, regretful about how my situation has turned out, always choose the hard way. Choose love and respect her anyway, even after her decision. I chose to reflect on our situation, zooming out and putting it into a different light and perspective.
It took me days and I’m still kinda in the middle of it, but through the power of reflection, groundedness, yoga, meditation, prayer and journaling, I could come over any negative emotions I have carried for her – and I did, you will see in the poems down below, replacing it with a universal, high frequency, abundant love, carrying it for anyone and everyone.
The anatomy of a heartbreak through poems
The below poems describe our dynamics from pretty early on, up until the realization of losing her. I have realized, poems are just a great way of grasping inner-truths. It’s great therapy.
Maybe I have learned how to love wholeheartedly by age 33. There might be something about 33 in general, Jesus Christ reached his peak as a spiritual leader at this age, I crossed the ocean in 33 days and turned 33 on my trip.
I will guide you through our steps in the connection here.
After we have parted ways in the US, we flew separately and all that was left, was the absence of her in my heart and the reflection of our times together back in Providence.
About these little things
Part i
Where should I start
I feel so clumsy
When it comes to talk
About these little things
Bugging my mind
Every minute every hour
Taking effort to form them
Into right words
At the same time
I feel vulnerable
Because I can only do that
Letting my defenses down
That’s how Achilles
The greatest of all Greeks fell
By the arrow from Paris
When invading Troy
Providence was a detour
Led by a leap of faith
Having to do there something
I didn’t know at the time
Walking the streets and bars
At night aimless and tired
Meeting you at that balcony
Asking for a cigarette
Spending two weeks together
I wished for to never end
But it ended and soon after
Was struck by lightning
Crying on the carpet for hours
Devastated and lonely for
Letting you go on that train
Feeling helpless
I thought that was it and
You will disappear in the
Dawlish fog forgetting me
And the bliss
Of our two weeks
Spent together in
Earthly paradise in the
Summer heat of Providence
You have not just
Not disappeared
But you are shining brighter
In my mind than ever
And all these little things
Come back and haunt me
And I cannot resist
Only surrender
Part ii
These little things are
When you try to open your eyes
In the morning
But not being able to
And I hint
A little kiss on your cheek
And touch your face
As gently as I can
These little things are
When you come back
In the bed from the sofa
Where you have suffered
The night through
Because of my snoring
Yet you lie softly next to me
Putting your body on mine
These little things are
When your skin touches my skin
And you try to get as close
As you possibly can
That we almost melt
Together in a melting pot
Dissolving and becoming
The part of eternity
These little things are
When we sit on the sofa
And I sit closer to you
And you do not resist
But come closer to me
Putting your legs over
Mine and rest your head
In my arms
These little things are
When you draw boundaries
About the dark lines
Under your eyes
Yet I just want to kiss them
Finding them cute and
Evidence of nature where
imperfection lives in perfection
These little things are
When we sit in the car
And I put my left hand
Over your right thigh
And you lay your right hand
At the red light
On mine and we exchange
A distracting long kiss
Part iii
I could carry on forever
Keep talking about
These little things
Flying around my head
Like shining little fairies
Confusing me about
My travel goals
And mission
That meeting you I realized
What you want is not
What you need and
All you need is love and
Snowflakes always fall
To the right place
Where they truly belong
Directed by the universe
That you have stamped
This heart melting it
At your own will
Shaping it with great care
Under heat like a blacksmith
Without my willpower or wish to resist
Falling forward
In your wide open arms
That I am scared if this works out
And if the tarot cards were right
About me not being able to
Rise up to you
And all I know is
I want to work against
The odds and prove
That we could work
Because these little things
Give me purpose to continue
What I have started
And you are the reason
Why I have put hope
In this life back again
And why my mom
Sees light in my eyes
And now I am afraid
If I scare you away
With these words
But hey these are just
The little things that
bug my mind
Like flying little fairies
So take them with ease
Finale
And you can add this
To your list of firsts
Because I haven’t
Written anything of this
Magnitude to anyone before
Especially not in English
But you just kept me going
So I need to ask myself
Is this love?
If the first poem’s phase was about absence, then the second phase is anticipation. What a rookie, lovers’ mistake to make!
Clarity
I am writing this letter
while looking at the ocean
and thinking about you
in St Maarten
and when
I’m reading this to you
it means we have to
part ways once again
and this is our
last day together
and I know
that this time
letting you go
will be even
harder than
back in Providence
as my love
has further grown
and deepened to you
and we are jumping
into the unknown
yet once again
I know it clearly
as I’m writing this
that I cannot lock you down
I cannot put you in a cage
you are a free soul
and I am a free soul too
so instead I will give you
the key to my heart
and you can walk
in and out freely
the door
is always open for you
just bear in mind
there is only one key
I know it clearly
letting you go freely
is the only way
for us
to put this love
on scale
and measure it
from the distance
with care
as reading this letter
to you now
while looking into your
beautiful brown eyes
is the solid proof that
when two hearts connect
there is nothing
that can stand in between
I am letting you go now
and you can fly freely
like the most sacred bird
that I know
I need to let go
so it can show
it’s beautiful colorful wings
to the world
and because I know
this world needs
these colors
And when you fly far away
and yet you still find your way
back to my heart
I will know
I will know
and I will greet you
and I will lead you gently in
and I will put that kettle on
I wrote the last poem back in St Maarten, then progressed through to Mexico, making it down to south, to Tuxtla Gutierrez. And that’s where the suspicion popped out, like an ugly spot on the forehead.
It’s another clumsy poem, because I don’t know how else I could express my feelings
Maybe it’s the past days
Maybe it’s always been like that
Indeed we’ve been doing so well
From the distance
You said you’ve been struggling
For the past weeks
I only feel it for the past days frankly
Before I didn’t see or feel that
I felt like you’ve been actually trying
To keep up the connection
But now I feel distance and walls
I feel something maybe changed (?)
I cannot see in your head
It should not just be your schedule
You’ve always been busy
Before that too
And don’t get me wrong
I want to give you time and space
I am not jealous or something
I trust you 100%
But I don’t feel
An emotional connection
At the moment
And it kinda hurts
As ridiculous as it may sound
I don’t see an emoji
A clumsy circle video
I don’t feel included
And yesterday I called out
A ‘maybe concern’
And didn’t see a confirmation
From your side
If I was wrong
In fact, your answer
Made me feel like
That I was right
I know it’s your sacred time with your friends
And I thought I could do the same
Not caring and
Just minding my business
Doing other stuff
But yesterday
I’ve been struggling
I didn’t want to put it on you
It’s my thing
That I feel that
A connection and longing
Takes constant nurturing
Otherwise it may dry out
Drowning like a plant
I feel like I’m giving
My full self to you
I’m investing
But the past days
I don’t see a response
And it hurts
I don’t want to feel like
I’m just another
Transactional task
On a to do list
To be ticked off
In 3 days from now
And I know this may sound you scary
I feel what we had was way too special
To let it be ruined
By something maybe worse
By a ‘maybe connection’
That cannot be picked up again
Like a pen that was glued to the desk
I feel I’m too much invested in
I’m asking myself and asking you
Are we on the same page
How do you feel
Did something change
I don’t want to ruin your festival
But time is precious
And the clock is ticking
We are both investing
I need your honesty
And play with open cards
Like I do
Whatever your answer may be
I will be fine with that because
I want the best for you
And I will love you always
With abundance
As the snowflakes
Keep falling to the right place
Directed by the universe
And frankly
I want the best for me too
And so far I thought and felt
You were the best for me
But currently, I feel
I cannot keep investing
If I’m hitting my head into walls
Stay beautiful
With love
Oh yes! The reaction from her was not nice after I’ve raised my concern, and that’s where the heartbreak has started!
So let’s cherry pick some from the heartbreak poems!
The first one I’ve got while going to the El sumidero Canyons, the most beautiful sights I’ve seen so far in Mexico.
A heartbroken poem
I am still heartbroken
I love you
But I cannot give my love to you
If you don’t accept it
I wish you would
But I cannot invest into something
That gets lost in the ether
I will just go with the flow
To cure my little broken heart
And I will carry faith
That the universe knows
Where the snowflakes should fall
You told
you maybe wanted my Hungarian kids
You told a lot of things
And then you dropped the ball last minute
I think it’s not about you not knowing me
It’s about us not meant for each other
I know it has to be this way
I am heartbroken
Deeply
You have been so confused
I was confused too
But I had been ready to see
how this can play out
I wrote that
I would keep my heart open for you
In another poem
that I never shared with you
But I can’t
Because you didn’t pass the test
You couldn’t hold me close anymore
I carry a lot of pain
Because I loved you
But now I can’t
My heart is telling my brain
Don’t let me hurt anymore
I need perspective
And it hurts me writing this down
I need to zoom out of you
I loved you so much
And now I’m sobbing
in the back of a microbus heading to
el canyon del sumidero
and I cannot cry out loud
so that others would see
And there is weird, happy
Mexican music coming from the speaker
That I cannot understand
Like the universe is playing
it’s weird tricks on me
While I’m just deeply sad
I loved you so much
I loved you endlessly
I accepted you
I saw you
or I thought I saw you
but I didn’t see you fully
Now I see you
And I still see a beautiful being
But one who doesn’t belong to me anymore
Maybe you never did
I know there is something else
I need to learn on this trip
I wanted to kiss through every inch of your body
And now someone else will
And I will kiss someone else
And I will don’t worry
But now I have to live through this pain
I was ready to keep up the contact with you
I was ready
I am grateful to you
I didn’t know I have a heart
At least I didnt feel it
Now I feel it
I don’t want to make you feel jealous
I want you to be you
And I want me to be me
There is something more
I have to learn on this trip
I know the learning never ends
I loved you deeply
But you had other firm ideas
I had a lot of love for you
And now I will give this love to others
I am deeply heartbroken
And I don’t want to shy away from this feeling
I loved you dearly
And I keep sobbing in the back of the bus
seeing the canyon del sumidero
I loved you dearly
Even from the distance
my love was growing for you
I am deeply heartbroken
And now I will go and watch crocodiles
And the heartbreak didn’t end. I haven’t felt my heart for a long time, so I thought, while this was so hard to live through, I still wanted to embrace the feeling, I have forgotten for such a long time. I wanted to embrace it and enjoy every moment of it, because I knew it would pass at one point. So let’s look at the next one. The next one happened after us talking about the situation and she’s been asking me, how could I possibly fall in love with her after 2 weeks knowing her. Well, it happened.
Confusion
I am dearly confused about
Our situation
You lost my trust
Because you’ve been acting
Without integrity
Showcasing moral deficit
You confirmed all my concerns
That you’ve got detached
You don’t feel longing anymore
You don’t need boyfriend energy
Before that you said
you saw the potential in me
you asked me a lot of questions
about how many kids I want
And then you disappear in the ether
saying you don’t need my energy anymore
that I’ve been overwhelming
and you don’t owe me anything anyway
I was like okay
If that’s what you want
I’ll go my way
So I built my own walls
And then we have this call
I thought you came to say goodbye
And just want to give this
A proper ending
But you come on the call confused
With a lot of emotions
While driving your car
In the rush as usual
You want to apologize
For your behaviour
Restarting everything
Like nothing has happened?
The trust is broken
And I don’t know if we can repair
I still feel for you
But way less than I did
From my side
I have already let you go
So the question is
if we can reverse this
my gut tells no
but my heart and my mind is confused
It’s time to get clarity
over this soon
I want to believe you
but I see too many obstacles
I will wait and see as I arrive
in San Cristobal de las Casas
And the heartbreak continued in San Cristobal, this was the leading emotion that has defined my stay here. I was not anticipating this, but it happened. And since it happened, I’ve put it into more poems.
Another poem about heartbreak
It still hurts that you iced me
But it has showed your actual persona
It deeply hurts because
I wanted more from this
Maybe I still want more
Maybe I still want to believe
That this could work out
Between us
I want to believe
I want to believe
It really hurts
And I am heartbroken
And you don’t have the right to tell me
If I loved you or not
I am in love with you
Maybe still
But the trust is broken
And I don’t know
If we could put this back together
You don’t have the right to tell me
How I’m feeling about you
Maybe I didn’t love you
Maybe I loved the idea of you
But what I have seen looked right
I wanted to see more of what I have seen
But our dynamics started to become toxic
And you told the same about me
No one ever accused me
of being a love bomber
I never tried to manipulate you
I was your genuine cheerleader
And I wanted the best for you
Didn’t want to isolate you
or put a ring on your finger for sure
I am accepting us parting ways
I have stepped out after
you drawing thick boundaries
how would I be a love bomber then?
I am crying while writing this
There was no love bombing here
You didn’t manipulate me
And I didn’t manipulate you
We had a beautiful 2 weeks on consensus
I understand you became overwhelmed
But there must something underlying
Why you have cut me off completely
Without giving me a reason
I feel calmer now
after crying in the room
luckily I’m alone right now
and no one sees me
My soul feels calmer now
Like a sea after the storm
I know that after all
Everything happens for a reason
I know that yesterday
I was talking to you
I was not expecting that
I have to explain this to you
I was expecting that
we will say goodbye to each other
But you opened up new doors
That I’m supposed to close now
I wanted you to become
the mother of my children
but I think I didn’t see you clearly
I saw the idea of you
I think you might need
A seriously blue pilled guy
Who can fit into your box
And follow your agenda
I love wholeheartedly
That you demean calling love bombing
The fact you could not accept my affection
Has nothing to do with me
I am not blaming you for anything
I am only grateful for our time together
Anyway how this would work out
Between us
We are in the process of
trying to understand our emotions
I know you are progressing
and I’m progressing too
I think you’ve got indeed overwhelmed
And you are not ready for this love
Maybe I’m not ready either
Maybe it has to be this way
The snowflakes still always fall
To the right place in the universe
Whatever happens between us
I will accept it with ease
And the next day came in San Cristobal and I was still heartbroken. And it was time for more poems.
Another poem because I cannot sleep
Prologue
My body wakes up at 6am
in high alert mode
I cannot sleep anymore
And my body is shaking
I’m detoxicating
everything comes out of me
And I’m shivering
I’m under high stress
My brain kicks out
a high amount of cortizol and
my thoughts rush left and right
cannot focus, cannot calm down
I’m thinking of you
In the Guatemalan Airbnb
How you might be going through
This situation right now
Epilogue
I am still devastated
I’m mourning what we’ve had
Angry, sad and confused asking
why you’ve had to throw this all away
Then you want it back
like nothing has happened but
that’s not how it works
what’s done can’t be undone
You can’t throw me like
A dirty rag in the corner and
then pick me up
later when you’d like
I know you gave yourself and
I don’t blame you for all this
I’m just trying to express and
give free flow to my emotions
I want to live through this pain
and now I’m sobbing again
as I’m writing this in the hostel bed
of San Cristóbal de las Casas
Only my faith keeps me
together right now
otherwise I would be
falling apart in pieces
I still love you and
I’m missing you badly
But I know this is how
it all has to be
My mom said
I have to experience this pain
because this is the pain I caused
to my ex in my last relationship
They say
What goes around comes around
And now I have to live through
this deep, miserable pain
Pepe told me that
love is abundant
that the love I have
doesn’t belong to you
The love in my heart
Belongs to the world and
Belongs to someone
who actually deserves it
You were the one who
has brought me back to poems
and I’m forever grateful
to you for that
I’m forever grateful
to you for everything
how you have nurtured me
back in Providence
You were the one
to have melted my heart
and oh God this
makes me cry again
Before you I didn’t know
if I still have a heart
and I couldn’t feel
normal human feelings
I was a numb being
Not capable of experiencing
How being in love
might actually feel like
I just wanted to hold you
gently and with care
and for the first time I felt
I could love deeply again
You have taught me the power
of expressing myself freely
not caring of how
others may perceive it
To work from inside out
With my emotions and
project that freely
to the outside world
Afterword
I’m still checking on Whatsapp
if you already woke up
if you wrote me a message
but nothing’s coming through
You cannot understand
how could I love you
and why would I feel bad
after you throwing me aside
You told me earlier though
the Intentions you mean
will land differently how
others may receive it
I am still heartbroken
I am still heartbroken
And now it’s time for meditations
After crying a river, I had no more tears to give and my soul has gradually, slowly calmed down. This is another phase of grieving and it was time to put it into another poem.
Empty cup
I cannot give anymore to anyone
in this moment
I have to work on myself
there is no way out
I need to create my own light again
and make it shine
brighter than ever
I don’t have more tears anymore
I have let someone down
because I couldn’t get over you
we need to have a proper closure
but I need to collect myself
I cannot dwell in misery for you
I need to move on
I need to keep my inner-faith now
more than ever
You are holding your stand
and you have a bright future ahead of you
and I am holding my stand
and I have a bright future ahead of me
I have gained perspective
now I need to find the inner strength
to move on
without you
I know that something’s better
is on the rise
something bigger is ahead of me
that’s what my faith dictates
I need to focus on myself
And the beautiful things around me
And learn to experience joy again
And refill my cup
I want to reconnect with you
without closure we can’t move on
we’ll need to sit down
and drink that cup of tea
After meeting someone else and miserably letting her down, it was clear, that I cannot move on without meeting her one more time, or putting a proper closure to our connection. Not in a romantic way, but in a way 2 adults acknowledge their mortality and the special things they’ve had together, despite knowing it’s not going to continue. At this point, all the tears got dried up and it was time to face fears.
Closure
I feel like we need to meet
Keeping ourselves in check
But need to take the leap of faith
And make my move
I will listen to my heart
But I think
we still deserve
a last meetup
I’m not asking for much
at this point
but to respect each other
and be aligned
This is the anatomy of a heartbreak described through poems. Starting from falling in love with someone, up until realizing that it’s not going to work, grieving through the situation and then finally reaching acceptance and inner-peace.
