As I wrote in the last blogpost, I had this brilliant idea. And the brilliant idea was, that I would write a blogpost about the topics, that I would later transform into Youtube videos.
The idea is that this blogpost later gets transformed into a script. The script gets transformed into a video.
Why this transformation is so powerful?
I am a shy person when it comes to public appearance. And it’s really hard for me to think clearly, when I think about writing a vlog script. Because preparing a vlog makes you instantly feel that you are doing this for your audience. I get blocked. ‘What would others think?‘ ‘How could I say this in the camera?‘ But if I get to write a blogpost, that’s different. I can detach from the audience. People might just not read it anyway.
I will put this quote from my last blogpost here, because it’s so important and I will also repeat, what I was saying over there from David McCullough:
“Writing is thinking. To write well is to think clearly. That’s why it’s so hard.”
And a vlog can only work, if you deliver clear messages. But you can only deliver clear messages, if you think clearly.
Why do I write this into a blog and not into my personal notes?
Because writing with the assumption, that someone might read it, enforces me to put out something more meaningful. A blogpost has a superpower, that I can publish a writing within seconds. So in my case, it’s like a ‘public commitment‘. And since I need to motivate myself and need to get this work done, I’m using this technique to put myself inside the arena.
Since I’m locked down in this hostel I’ve been working really hard, doubling down on shifts working both at the hostel reception and on content (mostly at public libraries) at the same time – just to make this thing happen. And I want this to happen.
Hopefully the channel will resemble the journey I’ve been through, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, in all ways. At this point, I feel more ready to deliver these messages. It’s a lot of work though, and I tend to lose the big picture at times getting lost in the details. It’s a steep learning curve at the moment and I do enjoy the process a lot.
The reality is, once I put the words out here – let them be vulnerable for me and the words already exist on paper, they don’t belong to me anymore. I can start to think objectively about them and it gets much easier to start structuring my thoughts around.
It works the same way with the camera. I record myself and then detach from that experience. And when I’m editing the recording, it’s just another dude in the video whose material I need to work with. Then it becomes another puzzle to solve. Once this post gets all written, I can start reframing the words and structure for a video script and AI is actually quite good at doing that bit as well.
Also let’s point out, what is Chatgpt not great with: generating ideas. Original thoughts. I cannot outsource that, so I need to push that out from myself.
But the idea needs to be here. MY IDEA.
To summarize, the workflow looks like this:
- Confession in the blogpost
- Refine the blogpost into a script
- The script will drive the video’s message
Now let’s get back to the actual topic of this blogpost.
Why someone decides to go to the end of the world alone?
It’s very important to get this right from the Youtube channel perspective. It might not get many views, but it’s important to create context when people see that I’m traveling – why am I doing that.
Why someone decides to leave everything behind?
I’m wondering. Having a stable life, having seemingly everything fine, until – all of a sudden, everything cracks down. Were there signs? Were they always there? Or the cracks on the wall just started to show up gradually.
And when you get there and you reach your own limit, all of a sudden your whole life perspective changes, and just like that, you pull the plug.
Relationship, work, material things. As they came, they are gone. Before you blink twice.
Reputation, professional excelence. All gone.
Call it a burn out? Existential crisis? Or ego?
What’s left after all this? Emptiness? Chaos?
And only YOU are left there, in the middle of all this.. Naked.
It’s the scariest moment that can happen to us, humans. When we find ourselves lonely.
And yet, for some awkward reason in all that loneliness, something unique is deeply embedded. But it’s dug so deeply within the chaos that you can only find it, if you can cut through it, if you have true clarity. Clarity about yourself.
Otherwise chaos will take you down. It will consume you. Or you will just get back to the old routine. Someone will come tomorrow and tell you, oh, you are not doing that anymore? Then come do this. And when you ask why? They ask back, what why? Because that’s what you’re supposed to do. You are supposed to do. Something. You cannot do. Nothing. Because nothing is not something. And this world only works when you are doing things. Some. Things.
In my case, I had to cut through the chaos and find clarity within. Within me. I was super clear about, why I did what I did, but there was chaos around me in that moment.
The powerful thing is, when you find clarity in the chaos. That can be very liberating. I found myself first absolutely free at 32. It came gradually. First I was drowned with the heavy decision I made stepping out of a relationship after close to 7 years, and letting the work and all the reputation go, that I built for many years. I was confused. Why I couldn’t foresee this? How is it possible that my senses let me down?
But then, when you have faith within, these noises settle and then there is peace. And silence. And the best way to create, is in peace and silence.
And from this peace and silence freedom emerges. So I have experienced freedom. But real freedom can only grow where self-discipline is the soil.
Otherwise you will fall apart. So I had to practice extreme self-discipline starting from day 1 when my life changed.
So let’s make sure that we get this right.
Self-discipline and inner-peace nurtures freedom and transformation.
While I was disciplined, freedom also took over. So I’ve experienced Munich differently. In total freedom. I went to party. I partied hard. Every single Friday or Saturday you would find me usually alone – chasing girls in places you wouldn’t see me at, for several years before that.
But as I was letting the steam off, an even bigger plan started to emerge. Since I solved the separation from my ex and leaving the workplace in peace, I thought I could pull off other things too. Things that seemed almost impossible at the time. Solo traveling. Ocean crossing.
The self-discipline taught me, I could actually do anything if I put my mind into it. But it had to be a big project, a large one. One, that seemingly doesn’t have an ending. And at the planning stage almost seems impossible. To go to the end of the world. And do it without flying.
What were the real drivers?
Well, in short, I could say that these cards were dealt to me. Break-up, freedom, decision to go. And yes, in simple terms, that’s what actually happened. But my reality 2 years ago was far more nuanced.
The dream
I told someone in my early 20s that I will go to Patagonia at one point. I think I only told it to her haha. I lost my virginity with her. I don’t know if she would remember.
As a kid, I always dreamt of seeing the world. Had a huuge world map, with all the continents’ countries. We were playing games on the map with my cousin. Find all the capitals of Europe, etc.
But you know, then you grow up, and face all the responsibilities. All of a sudden your priorities change. And the childhood dreams all of a sudden look so far away. Creating this freedom in my life, made this possible.
I keep reminding myself every single day, that I’m actually living my dream. Getting to know new cultures, living freely, you actually realize that all those material stuff doesn’t make any sense. Don’t get me wrong, I like comfort but I always felt, I was at the right place when I could keep learning and growing as a human being – whatever that may mean to you, that’s the most profound life experience you can ever achieve. Learning and growing is the best you can get. I wake up with this in my mind every single day. Every day is a mission. Did I learn something today? Fuck yes. Then you already won.
Inspiration
I think I could write a book about this. I’m living by inspiration. I walk the road and see a red light that inspires me to stop. To slow down. This is just one example. But below I cherry-picked a few that I think makes actual sense to highlight.
As I lived in Germany I saw that Germans actually travel the world. They go big. Of course they have better financial opportunities than most of the world, but that was paired up with curious minds. And I had Omar, my excolleague as an inspiration. His Egypt to Japan no-fly project made me think that – damn, this is cool stuff. I would do that. So after making my moves to quit all, it was already very clear what I wanted to do. I wanted to travel. I didn’t know how long, or where. but the intention was very clear. Fun fact, that I actually met Omar on this side of the world a few weeks ago. I was surprised to see, that despite his Instagram fame, he is the most humble guy you could possibly imagine.
There is this guy from Ukraine, Anton Ptuskin (damn I can still read cirill), who’s content we always watched with my ex-partner. I didn’t understand a word he said, as it was in Russian and only a few of his content got actually translated (this was before the AI world), but the man did all the cinematography for his travels and could deliver highly cinematic videos. What he did at the time seemed unreachable. His content quality is far beyond my own capabilities but I’m doing my own little thing in my own little ways haha. He was truely inspiring, and it’s good to see that after the war has started (and he was banned from leaving the country for so long), somehow he managed to post again from Antarctica, a huge film last year.
I think I was an anti-Coelho fan until I went through these epiphany moments. But then things happened and I came across his book, the Alchemist. And I fell in love with Santiago’s, the poor, Spanish shepherd’s story, who decided to follow his dreams. I wanted something like that in my life. Nothing else mattered but to follow my dreams. And I want to keep following them.
Philosophy. Spiritualism. I learned about both when I went through the hard shift in my life and they both taught me tremendous about self-acceptence. And also about the acceptance of difficult situations. Situations you may not have the control over. And to shift my focus on things that I indeed could control.
Existential stability.
Let’s be honest, I’m not a 20 year old kid anymore, who would hit the road with 1 Euro in his pocket to see what happens. Luckily I never had any debts, but I don’t have a passive income either. I’m living off my savings and it’s been shrinking heavily over time. Out of the 20 months on the road, I had the chance to work at many different places, but the financial bleeding never stopped. I don’t have any belongings back at home apart from a bycicle, a few pens and some clothes. I have a motobike here in Latin America though and a full gear to film stuff. That’s more than I could ever dream of for now.
Also my parents health is doing relatively fine so I was lucky enough to not be a caretaker at home. I know this is also luxury and so many of us take that for granted. I’m not a hero traveling the world. Heroes are the caretakers doing their duty silently. I’m aware of that.
Existential crisis.
I think existential crisis is a modern world phenomenon. Visiting 3rd world countries you get to see that in order to question your existence, you need to be able to step out from the daily survival hustle. Most people on the planet don’t get to experience that luxury.
As for me, I reached a point at work, where I felt my personal goals were achieved and didn’t feel that staying would have moved the needle in my life. I slowly thought I was drowned into work chasing something that didn’t even exist. There was no more objective.
At the same time I had to make a move in my relationship – in the 7th year, – left or right, that simple. I chose to go left. There is nothing really more to say about this. Simple gut feeling.
Loss.
My grandmom has passed away. I was on constant calls with my mom, she was back in Hungary, I was in Germany at the time. She gave me updates that my grandmom’s state is not getting any better, it’s just getting worse. So I decided to go back home via train. I arrived about 20 minutes ago before she was taken to her final dialisis. Never saw her again. She was a symbol of permanence in my family. After her loss everything felt so fragile. There was no permanence anymore. Realized that everything was moving, everything was fluid. And everything has a finite ending. At least in our mortal lives.
War in the neighborhood.
War became a benchmark. Since my partner was Russian, I could experience war from both sides. I’ve been to those places in far-east Russia, where they were recruiting the men from and they were bringing them to war. I bet most people died or are on the frontlines on the Russian side against their will. If they don’t go to the battlefield, they face 10 years in prison upfront. I saw the many Ukranian families escaping from the war to the west. Families broken apart. A nation’s soveregnity being hammered down. I had to ask – then, what are all those nations for? And borders? What good does it do to call ourselves nation A and then go and destroy nation B? Later meeting Erik, the captain on the boat, with whom we crossed the ocean together we had a lot of these philosophical talks. For hours. For days. For weeks. I aim to go into details on those soon.
I had war anxiety. I remember going to bed in Munich every night thinking, what if a nuke would land on our heads over night. That’s not a nice feeling, but at the same time something slowly transforms within you.
I started to think, what could be worse than war?
Crossing an ocean? Living and traveling in discomfort? Experiencing life at it’s pure form? If you think about it, that’s all peanuts.
My granddad told me always, when I was a kid and didn’t like or refuse to eat a dish at the Sunday lunch table, that “you’ll find it out soon enough“. He told me with a tone, who exactly knew it, coming from the first post-2nd war generation of Hungary, growing up in harsh destitution. He didn’t have a chance to be picky about food. But he didn’t want me to experience it either. At that point as a kid, war seemed like an ancient object from the history books. It’s the past. Like dinosaurs. Cannot affect us.
But at this point humanity is heading into a state, where it’s becoming a possibility again. At a global scale. And somewhere it is already the reality. The middle-east is under extreme heat and Ukraine is trying to keep up with the Russian meatgrinder.
Climate crisis
When humanity as a whole, would need to be united the most, to solve a problem, that can only be solved with unity, it is having the greatest disagreements. Politics are taken over by populists or autocrats, who don’t see beyond their own or their closest circles’ (let that close circle even be a nation) interests. Let’s be honest, no one really gives a damn shit about what effect the global heat may have on the marginal communities and the eco-system. And a huge percentage of the companies response to climate change is green washing anyway. I’m not an expert of the topic, but you don’t need to be one to see the alarming signs everywhere.
Long story short, everything got into my head.
I had nothing to lose. Everything around me all of a sudden seemed so fragile. Like a glass that is about to fall.
I still wanted to believe in humanity though. I wanted to believe in art. In science. In the good things. I wanted to believe that we can do this better. Together.
I said, I will go and find it out. So I packed my bag and hit the road.
3 thoughts on “Day 637: Why someone decides to go to the end of the world alone?”